Adult talk – no ear wigging

We are effectively alone, standing in the kitchen whilst three children watch Animal Planet. We chat as he test drives the new super doper healthy snack bar that I purchased for him at vast expense now that he has high cholesterol, diabetes and weight issue.
“Do you know, I could have sworn that you mouth was open when I came home last night.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“No seriously. Don’t go all hoity toity on me. [translation – miffed and posh] I would have been about half past two and your lips were parted. I tapped you on the chin to see if you’d broken.”
“Oh that must be why I woke up then! Accosted in the middle of the night.”
“Well…. So can you open?”
“I’ve been wondering that myself. Do you know, I think it’s a bit like knicker elastic. It gets all over stretched and extended, and then the elastic sort of gives up the ghost. That’s why I put fresh ones on in the morning.”
“What a curious anology! Let me think about that a moment.”
“Stop thinking right now, those kinds of thoughts will only increase your blood pressure.”
“O.k. So what’s new. We haven’t had a chance to chat for………a while.”
“Well, I learned something new today.”
“Never. Do we have anything else to learn, apart from that knicker elastic thing?......Tell me.”
“Do you know why dogs hang their tongues out of their mouths?”
“To pant and……..stuff.”
“In part, but more importantly, their tongues hang out because they’re too big to fit in their mouths.”
“Really! You saw that on Animal Planet?”
“No, I know from personal experience.”
“What?”
“Now my tongue is all smooshed up in this tiny cavity I’ve decided it’s just to big to fit.”
“You’ll have to go on a diet to slim down your tongue.” He snickers. “So how do you make a tongue smaller?”
“I have no idea and I’m too scared to look it up on line.”
“Scared?”
“Yes, remember when I had to look up ‘buck teeth’ and ‘tongue thrusting reflex!’”
“Hmm. Oh yes, I do seem to recall something. Very colourful….. pictures.”
“Exactly. Then all the spam that followed! Never again. Ignorance is definitely bliss.”
“Oh I don’t know, …..I could do some research at work for you if you like?”
“Eat your healthy bar. Be healthy!”
“It looks like bird seed stuck together with Elmos glue! [translation = American white glue, for school purposes to avoid inhalation and solvent abuse.”
“It’s good for you. It will help stop you snacking from the vending machine.”
“The plan is to break a tooth then?”
“Don’t be such a chump. It’s full of vitamins and minerals.”
“Would certainly turbo charge the avian world.”
“Just give them a try. It’ll fill you up, give your tummy a feeling of satisfaction.”
“You’ve been listening to too many advertisements. Tummy ache more like. It looks completely indigestible.”
“Do you know what?”
“What?”
“Well, sorry to change the subject, but I’m a bit worried.”
“Worried about what?”
“Do you know, I think my tongue is moulting.”
“Moulting? But you don’t have a hairy tongue. Do you?”
“No, I’m still on strictly liquid diet, but my mouth seems to be full of little bitty things.”
“That’s not possible surely?”
“Indeed.”
“Dandruff?”
“You’re not being very helpful.”
“Perhaps you’re shedding your skin like a lizard!”
“That would be a snake you’re thinking of. Stop thinking about snakes! This is getting us nowhere fast.”
“Can I pry your jaws open and take a peek.” Why does that sound vaguely suggestive?

“I can open it a bit, just not for very long before the elastics snap it back again.”
“Team work.”
“Team work.”
“Remember if I loose the tops of my fingers I’ll be unemployed.”
“Point taken.”
We attempt a two step in the kitchen under murky lights. Out of the corner of my bifocalled eye, I spot three little faces, peering.
“Lummy!” He jumps away and so do I, as the mantrap snaps shut. “I’ve never heard of exfoliating a tongue! No wonder!”
“Mummy she is having dah diamonds!”
“MUM! You are dah criss cross!”
“Mom! Your tongue is like a lattice gate!”
“What? What? What are they all on about?” I plead with the only other adult in the room.
“Go take a peek in the mirror.”

Oh yes. I’d forgotten what those were for. I snap on the light and bring my nose close to the glass. They’re right! An over ripe peach bursting out of a net.

Soon I will have the skinniest tongue in christendom. [translation = hereabouts]

Adult talk – no ear wigging

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