Saturday, April 7, 2007

Jaw Surgery – a few handy hints that nobody ever mentions

1. Firstly, however long they tell you, will be your recovery period, double it and add one.
2. If you need to talk as part of your work, forget it. If you are a stay at home parent and have children who need you to be able to talk [especially those with speech delays or other disabilities] triple your recovery time.
3. Buy a catering sized carton of toilet rolls, as they’re cheaper than tissues which will help your brain cope with the spiraling costs of the tiny unexpecteds.
4. Buy a turkey baster, one of those pippet things. You will use this instead of a spoon. It is less messy. If the food doesn’t fit in the baster you will not be eating it, believe me. Also handy for medications.
5. Buy your medications in liquid form and the most concentrated version available, otherwise you will find yourself downing three bottles of children’s ibuprofen daily.
6. If you are the type that takes vitamin pills, then buy the liquid version. If you are not the type to take vitamin pills then buy the liquid version as you’ll need every micron of energy you can get.
7. The only thing, if anything, that you need in your overnight bag for the hospital is an ipod or an mp3 player. You will not be watching television or listening to the radio. You will be incapable of reading, and holding a book will be impossible even if your brain functions at all.
8. Blow your nose daily prior to surgery, that way you will remember just how blissful the sensation is when you are unable to do it for the next month.
9. Put everything you are likely to need to use for a month at waist height, as bending down, lowering your head, will cause your nose to bleed – and remember you can’t blow it, your nose, that is to say.
10. Buy a low percentage hydrogen peroxide and Q-tips to enable you to clear the clag out of your nostrils without scrubbing, blowing a blood vessel or fainting.
11. Buy a wipe [white] board and lots of dry erase pens to aid communication. Ensure that you are fully supplied with every conceivable kind of soup, juice and beverages that you like, as you won’t be able to go to the store. Buy other less preferred flavours. Variety becomes important. Ten days of chocolate milk shakes 6 times a day, will weary even the most unadventurous pallet.
12. Go out into the garden and practice spitting, regardless of your political affiliations. Note well the position of your lips and other accoutrements such as muscles, as this is a ‘skill’ that you are about to lose.
13. If possible wear a toilet roll on each wrist.

14. If you have less than one bathroom or sink in your home, it may be worth investing in a dish pan. [translation = washing up bowl] Thus when your mouth fills up with slime, you need to spit but are incapable, you can then hang your head over the bowl. This may take some time as you only have gravity to assist you. The exercise if further complicated by the head angle [see 9 above] This is where dual toilet roll handiness is a must, such that you may manage simultaneously leaking orifices.

15. Lastly, if this is a medical necessity for you, then go right ahead. If on the other hand there are alternatives available to you, you may wish to give them serious consideration as this is not a procedure for the faint hearted. Don't worry about it unduly, and try to avoid "perseveration."


Queen of the Mayhem said...

That does not sound pleasant at all! On the other hand, it would greatly aid in weight loss!

I hope you are feeling better!

Memphis Steve said...

Oh wow, somehow this slipped through the cracks of my mind. I already have a blogfriend who is recovering from a broken jaw and when I started reading this I thought perhaps she had 2 blogs that weren't connected and somehow I didn't know about it. I hope you get over this fast and with as much ease as possible. It sounds painful, and after all my visits to the ER and surgery I know painful the way George Hamilton knows toasted.

Attila The Mom said...

Oh yikes! Hope this wasn't a recent personal experience! If so----get well soon!

tegdirb92 said...

Wow, that sounds like a big inconvenience!! You have some great suggestions though.

Jenny said...

this sounds absolutely and completely horrifying.

Dr.Mom3 said...

Well it's 2011, and I thank you for this tidy and hilarious summation. :) -jean from ohio