Tuesday, August 7, 2007

No Bravery Awards around here

I leave the dentist in a flurry with my brand new retainer in my hot little hand, or rather my mouth, which isn’t particularly hot.

What should have been a quick one minute ‘pick up the retainer’ visit with three children in tow, turned into a ‘lets just see how you’re healing and poke around a bit’ ordeal. [translation = certain cowardly people need to be mentally prepared before permitting access to a dental professional ]

I carry enough dental paraphanlia to set up my own Walgreens. [translation = Chemist] My brain has managed to absorb all essential information to maintain the wellbeing of the temporary implants, with one exception.
“Use this extra special, very expensive, super duper rinse to prevent infection.” She waggled a tiny little blue sachet before my un-bifocaled eyes.
“I can’t get to chemist today, what should I use instead?”
“Oh, just use the salt water rinse.” [translation = tap water with a bit of salt added]
“What about the risk of infection?”
“Oh you’ll be just fine.”

This is the mini conversation that runs back and forth through my empty head as I concentrate upon containment of small people in the car for the return journey. Super duper versus salt water? Who wins? The bank balance or the health bank? Junior chants in the back seat, just to remind me, “swish not spit, swish not spit, swish not spit.” I am uncertain how he managed to overhear this piece of dental advice, but he mimicks the dentist’s dulcet tones to perfection. [translation = echolalia] Since my mental health is very valuable to me, I could do without the constant dental reminders.

Another ditty fights for attention. This ditty is worse than the one that it is latched on to; ‘it will bleed but don’t worry.’ This worrying ditty causes severe mental anguish to my rapidly dwindling brain capacity. [translation = if I could just shrink it to the size of a pickled walnut, then there wouldn’t be enough room for such thoughts]

It is not until much later, [translation = child free] that I set about the task at hand. [translation = clean the area of the dental implants] I clutch my baby soft dental brush in my hot little hot. [translation = not particularly little but definitely hot now] I place myself in front of the mirror and do mental gymnastics to prepare my poor little eyes for the carnage in my mouth. I have a brilliant idea and remove the bifocals to cloud the view. I am too squeamish to peek. I decide that this equivalent to asking my right hand to chop my left hand with a meat cleaver. [translation = a] I am right handed and b]I am a coward] I debate whether sunglasses might help? I drop the brush in the sink and run off to do something more interesting instead.

The evening twilight has turned to murky blackness by the time I have finished the laundry, washing up, slicked the floor and attended to the door handles in every room in the house. I stand in the middle of the kitchen determining whether to clean the oven, wash all the windows or rewash the floor with a nail brush? Spouse appears. “Ready for bed then?”
“You’ve done it then?”
“Ooo yes, almost done, completely everything, nearly,” I reply with my honest face beaming.
“And the teeth?” [translation = implants]
“Just getting there, almost, nearly.”
“Don’t want to get an infection do we?” he beams merrily. I am sorely tempted to stick my baby soft toothbrush somewhere that I shouldn’t.
“Oh yes, absolutely, of course.” I examine the garbage disposal unit. There must be loads of mucky stuff down there that could do with a good clean out. It would only take me a few minutes. I could have it sparkling in under half an hour. I discover that spouse is reading my brain.
“That’ll wait until tomorrow you know?”
“What will?”
“Cleaning the garbage disposal unit, and anyway, household appliances don’t get infections, at least not ones that can be cleared up with antibiotics!” I pull a face, how can I be so transparent? [translation = demoted from ‘woman of mystery’]
“Shall I wait for you?” [translation = stand close by in an excessively irritating manner and watch]
“No, no. You go on up. I’ll be there directly.”
“I don’t mind waiting,….in case……..er…..you feel a bit……um…..”
“Yes, that’s the word, faint, in case you feel faint, or are faint, or you know….fall over.” I pause, wondering if I should take precautionary measures? [translation = clean underwear in case the paramedics come to call] Is it nine, nine, nine or nine, nine, one? [translation = emergency services on either side of the pond]
I try not to visualize myself and my spouse, in the smallest toilet on the planet, where one of us faints, so that we lie in a tangled mess on the floor, clutching a blood stained baby soft toothbrush.
“I’ll be back in a minute! Wait right there!” I call over my shoulder.
“Where are you going?”
“Pop your cell phone in your pocket, I need to nip off and nab some new knickers now!”

There again, I think I have more than enough drama in the rest of my life over "here."


Linda said...

Well, right then. All I ask is that if your spouse has to call 911 as you decided to pass out during the course of keeping your implants away from an infection that he not scream and holler at the poor person who answers the phone on the other end!

Just remember that cool, calm, and collected is the way to go and before you now it, an ambulance will be there and the paramedics shall whisk you, and your clean knickers, off to the Emergency Room in no time flat!

The Anti-Wife said...

So, how did the surgery go? Are you in pain? Does it feel wierd? Details please!

Awesome Mom said...

Oy! I hope that you can keep those implants infection free.

Chris Stovell said...

OMG!! This had brought back terrible memories of trying to find a dentist in Wales when we first moved here a year ago and I was in agony with a root canal that had gone horribly wrong. Eventually, long story, I found a lovely man who fixed it for me... unfortunately he has just had a major heart attack and is critically ill. Mostly I feel for him... but I feel for me too!