Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Shape shifter

A long time ago I used to have a number of useful skills such as the ability to darn socks, knit and sew.

These days I am not so fortunate, as life is too short to peel a grape, stuff a mushroom or prick your finger on a spindle.

“Please Mom! You promised!” she pleads. I look at my nine year old daughter, a sleepy beauty, who has more patience in her pinky than I have in my entire body. “Look, I even wrote you a note, a reminder, coz you keep forgetting.” I do not sigh. I read the carefully penned missive and place it on her cuddly tiger on the kitchen counter, a 3 foot carcass of striped fur. I give her a hug, “I promise that I’ll try and find a needle and thread today. That rip is getting bigger by the day.”
"I don't want his head to fall off!"
"Indeed, that would be most unfortunate."

I moan to spouse. “Life is too short to spend two hours in a dentist’s chair!”
“Take your book, you could do with the rest. Just try and relax!” He sounds irritated but I am more irritated.

I amend my never ending to do list with red ink:
1. sew head back on.

For some reason this strikes me as a little odd. He peers over my shoulder and grins. I do not smack his smug face, I merely pout, in time honoured fashion, as it’s too early in the morning to flounce to full effect.

After two hours of reading in the dentist’s chair I begin to doze. I tune out the buzz of dental equipment, the terrible movie with the volume on too loud and the hum of the air conditioning. It is so cold I could be fossilized before I ever get the chance to escape. I decide that hibernation provides the best means of survival and snuggle into my cardigan.

I think of the years I have spent thusly, horizontal and freezing regardless of the season. All the other patients are in shorts and T-shirts because we are in California. I wear long trousers, socks, a T-shirt and a cuddly, a thick fleece with a zip from crotch to chin. I wonder if they have any blankets on the premises? Maybe I should admit defeat and bring a sleeping bag next time, or would that cause undue offense? It seems I am their only reptilian client.

I debate why it should be that my daughter’s bedroom is a zoo, full of furry animals? Not a doll in sight but a menagerie of plush creatures. Any spare shilling she acquires is hoarded and then squandered on yet another fur ball. Who ever heard of a furry bee or snake or tortoise? Surely this will severely harm, if not warp, her ambition to be a vet?

“All done,” says a cheery voice calling me back from the lagoon. I am presented with my new retainer. “Let’s see if it fits?” he adds. I oblige. The plastic snaps into place securing my teeth in my mouth for another 11 months. “Sorry about the delay, but we needed to get it just right.” I smile, dozy and partially awake, the world is over populated with perfectionists.

Delay. Delay? Delay!

I glance at my watch and leap from my bed, to rush to the exit, “agh! I need a needle! I forgot the tiger in the kitchen!”

I wonder why no-one ever understands me?

And in my other "life."


Linda said...

If it makes you feel any less like the Lone Ranger, I am always cold myself and wear long sleeves to work when everyone else is complaining about how hot it is. My Mom was always cold, too, so perhaps she and I inherited it from her mum who came over from Blackpool when she was but a little girl?

Melinda said...

I had to smile when I read "sew head back on." I think that pretty much sums it all up doesn't it? haha

have a good day! ;)

mumkeepingsane said...

hee hee, that made me giggle. I make little notes to myself all over the house. I wonder if anyone else reads them?


Anonymous said...

I went to the dentist on Tuesday, Sept. 11 and I was offered a blanket because the office was cold. I accepted the blanket and it was wonderful. I felt so relaxed. I think I was more trusting of the person poking sensitive spots with sharp objects because she cared enough to give me a blanket. Sue

Josie Two Shoes said...

A blanket at the dentist... lovely concept, a nice soft security blanket please! LMAO at "sew head back on", on most days I would have to first locate mine! :-) Your daughter and I would get along famously, stuffed animals still have a way of falling in my shopping cart, there are 20 or so in my office alone! :-)

Melissa said...

I always freeze at the dentists office. I wonder if they would be offended if I brought a blanket in... hmm... something to think about...

The Shepcarpclan said...

My mom was always cold. I am the opposite, I seem to always be warm. My sewing pile seems to grow bigger everyday.

Casdok said...

Thank you for making me smile!!

The Anti-Wife said...

I freeze everywhere. Glad to know there are others out there. I too have notes everywhere. It works wonderfully except when I lose the notes.

Anne said...

I understand you perfectly. I leave myself notes sometime that are cryptic, though not as funny.