You may wish to read I and II below first, since blogs are backwards.
I run to the front door and kick a pile of children’s shoes to one side so that my guests don’t cripple themselves upon entry. Because they are American, they arrive piled high with gifts of many wonders, always so generous. I discover that Americans remove their shoes when they come to dinner, which is odd, as I was fairly confident that was a Japanese habit.
“Ooo a trampolene!” she grins.
“Ah, sorry about that I……”
“Are you going to perform for us?”
“Who me? Oh dear me no.”
“I haven’t seen one of those for years. Can I have a little bounce?”
“Be my guest!” Surely this is indeed the ideal guest.
She bounces and her husband looks on admiringly, as does mine. I busy myself with pots and pans in my narrow galley kitchen, in my open plan house, which affords no privacy to the messy and badly organized amongst us.
I discover that Cream of Chestnut soup is not a common starter in America. This would probably explain why I have never seen it on an American menu, or rather, any menu in any restaurant in America. I learn that whilst soup and a salad are common starters in America, that it is less common to have both, consecutively. I explain that it is compulsory for everyone to eat the garlic bread so that we don’t all gas ourselves and miraculously everyone appears happy to comply.
I tell my guests many lies:
"The chairs don't match because we're going for the eclectic look."
“I’m sure there’s hardly any calories in garlic bread.”
“Yes he does have asthma, but these are a special hypoallergenic breed of cats, the first on the market.”
“What is it made of? I’m not entirely sure?”
“Yes they do look like twins, almost clones.”
“I expect the builders left it behind by accident, why else would there be a giant catering carton of ear plugs in the garden?”
“They love broccoli and cauliflower, what child wouldn’t?”
“Not at all, no trouble at all.”
“I’d love to, but it’s against the law to discuss your political affiliations in England.”
“No, I would never be caught naked during a fire at night.”
“I forgot to leave the anchovies out of the Caesar salad.”
“Which religion? Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby. It’s the same as the Church of England.”
“It’s only glitter glue, I’m sure it will come off.”
“Yes, last time I checked, quiche is indeed a very popular choice with Englishmen.”
“I’m sure they’re fast asleep by now.” “
“Yes, all English people serve chocolate mousse in demi tasse cups and saucers, it’s traditional.”
“Am I a runner? In a manner of speaking.”
“Of course not! I agree, nobody makes their own brandy snaps.”
“Yes they only have traditional toys, made of wood.”
“My parents are delighted that we’re citizens.”
“Yes we only have one downstairs bathroom.”
“Er…..no I don’t think having children should affect one’s sex life.”
“Don’t worry, I think it’s just play dough.”
“I’m sure they’ll turn up soon. I can’t think what can of happened to your keys.”
“No I’ve never referred to Herbal tea as grass clippings.”
“No I’m sure they don’t have fleas.”
“Yes I always wash fruit and vegetables first.”
“No I’ve no idea why the toilet plunger would be in there.”
“Yes eight hours sleep is essential.”
“No I’ve never had a moments regret.”
"Yes since she's an adult now, it would be silly to worry about her."
“No I didn’t burn my fingers when I rolled the brandy snaps.”
“Yes I am delighted with my teeth.”
“Cozy? Yes I suppose it is a rather small table.”
“Trousers? Maybe they are made of silk?”
“Yes they have brandy in them.”
“No, I’ve no idea what that rubber band is doing on the chair legs.”
“Yes I love hermit crabs too.”
"I'm sure that Brazil is every bit as safe as Mozambique for a 26 year old, one jungles pretty much the same as any other."
“Really? Americans don’t finish up with a cheese course?”
“The grape scissors were lost in the move.”
“Yes it’s decaffeinated, I never buy anything else?”
“Once a week! No I’m saving money by going less often.”
“Yes, being a parent is a complete joy.”
At the door my guests return to their abandoned shoes and examine the soles of their feet, “Geez Maddy how dah ya keep your floors so clean with all those kids?”
I could kiss her little American tootsies.
Come again soon!
6 hours ago