I talk to my mother on the telephone early on Sunday morning. Phone conversations are a trial in this household due to the vast quantities of small people who scurry around to trip me up, both literally and linguistically. In an ideal world I would prefer to avoid the whole subject with my mother, because it is difficult to explain the inexplicable in a foreign language.
“Hello Mum! How’s it been this week?”
“Oh the weather has been absolutely frightful, raining cats and dogs.”
“Mommee! This one is a pervert! It has a leg missing!””
“Is that Ella I can hear in the background? What did she just say?”
“Oh nothing mum, she’s just fine.”
“Mommee. I found the leg. It’s o.k. He has all eight now.”
“That was her, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, we’re just a bit busy around here at the moment, you know, with only two weeks to go until Halloween.” Dang! Why did I mention the dreaded ‘H’ word.
“Halloween! Oh you don’t do that dreadful American Halloween rubbish do you? Oh I suppose you must since you’re out there in America. It’s catching on here too, as all the most dreadful American things always do.”
“Er would you prefer us to celebrate ‘Day of the Dead’?”
“I beg your pardon? Oh yes, I always forget that you’re so close to Mexico.”
“Mom it’s real hard to find black legs all tangled up with the tinsely body.”
“What on earth is she doing?”
“Um well we’re just putting up a few decorations.”
“Oh that’s nice, afterall you’ve been in that house now for eight years, it’s about time you redecorated.”
“Hmmm.”
“Stop mumbling dear, I can’t hear you properly if you talk into your beard. So which room are you starting with?”
“It’s all finished outside now Mom, I’m gonna start on the windows.”
“What did she say. Have you been decorating outside? And now inside? How very odd.”
“Mom! I found all of the spiders but the flies are all missing.”
“Well we’re not redecorating as such, just putting up a few……seasonal…….things.”
“What kind of seasonal things? It’s a bit early for Christmas.”
“True, but out here, at this time of year…….lots of people decorate their houses with…..er…Autumnal fruit, nuts and……..wreaths and such.”
“Do they. How awfully odd?”
“It can seem a little strange at first, but just as big shops change their window displays, so Americans do likewise, except with their homes of course.”
“Surely the average window is too small for mannequins?”
“Mannequins! Oh I see. Well forget the store display, think…..think…..”
“Mom! I need help! I can’t work out which way round the pelvis is supposed to be.”
“What did she say?”
“Um….”
“Are you still there?”
“Er, yes, of course I’m still here.”
“Mom. I’ve run out of thumb tacks. I still have another 3 foot of chain links to hang.”
“What on earth is that child doing? Are you supervising her properly? She shouldn’t be playing with tacks.”
“Mom the black feathers have stuck together in a big lump! The bats have gotten all tangled with the cats’ tails.”
“Good grief! Have you expanded your menagerie from Hermit crabs, lizards and cats?”
“No it’s just that…”
“Mom. I can’t stand on this ladder much longer my arms are all achey.”
“What is she doing up a ladder?”
“Well, you see we’re trying to….”
“Mom. He’s got a tack in his foot. Mom! There’s blood. Mom! It’s real blood.”
“By Mum, I’ll call you next week.”
9 hours ago
