Friday, March 30, 2007

Is Jaw surgery painful?

I remember googling that question some months back when I realized that surgery day might become a reality. The results were inconclusive. As such, I believe it is my bounden duty to go on the record, should anyone be unfortunate to have a similar enquiry in the future. I can tell you truly, that I would rather give birth without medication, than have surgery again. Scratch that! I would rather give birth to all four of my children consecutively than have "surgery" again. There are not enough pain killers in the world to sort you out after jaw surgery, whereas by comparison, walking like John Wayne for a few weeks is as of nought. Having experienced ‘natural childbirth’ by accident, for four children over a period of two decades, I believe that I may speak to the subject with some degree of authority. There again, I admit that my ‘authority’ is undermined by the shear carelessness of experiencing natural childbirth by accident.

"Meanwhile." Post surgery.

The surgeon beams at me, “Congratulations Mrs. Mac, you’re achieved 3 months progress in 4 dayss. You have a perfect bite!” I attempt a tight laced grin in return.
“Good o. So I can go mad with the scissors now and snip off all the elastic!”
“Not til Monday I’m afraid.”
“Monday! I have to wait until Monday!”
“Fraid so.”
“But I’ll be a skeleton by Monday!”
I was told by those who know about such things, that the average person loses 30 to 40 pounds, an average of 3 stones, in weight following jaw surgery. My chum, an American and former nurse, also advised me that weight loss was not an option for me, not unless I wished to be hospitalized and or dead, whichever came sooner. With this in mind I have dutifully consumed protein drinks and soup of every variety for two and a half months. I am nothing if not conscientious.

I depart, a tad crestfallen with fond thoughts of my tuna salad. As my top jaw decided to meet it’s pal beneath, I was fairly confident that solid food would soon be within my grasp, or bite, as it were. Will a tuna salad still be edible in 56 hours? The capers and anchovies should be fine, but I’m doubtful about the hard boiled egg, dill and leafy greens. It will degenerate into a tub of putrid slime, pig swill. I debate what I can put into the blender [translation = liquidizer] that will be both edible and tasty, free of fibres and devoid of teeth staining properties? It seems vaguely reprehensible to fantasize about such a trivial matter as food.

However, the issue of food cannot be avoided, for in my role as chef and caterer extraordinaire, I have option but to prepare something for everyone to eat for supper. I try not to think of the aftermath of preparation, the rejection or possibly projectile part, shortly followed by the garbage disposal part.

I contemplate the prospect of a trip to PetCo during the weekend, to buy new cat collars and sympathize with the hamsters on their wheels.

Hopefully, one day quite soon, I’ll be able to nick the hamsters peanuts. Maybe, a wee while after that, I may actually be able to nibble them, the nuts, not the hamster. By their food choices shall ye know them.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow, I have had two children and want to have my teeth straighened and the orthodontists have suggested the best option is jaw surgery...double jaw surgery. I have been contemplating it for over a year but feel that the pain is just not worth it. They suggest that they can still straighten my teeth without the surgery but it would look better if my jaw was re-aligned. Think I will opt for just the straight teeth!