Thursday, July 19, 2007

Brace yourself! Retained and restrained

I return from the braces chappy and immediately pick up the telephone to ask them a quick question. I speak to one of the technicians. [translation = people who tweak your braces]
“Yes, Madeline, what’s the problem?”
“Just a quickie. I was wondering, do I have to rinse the retainer after I have a drink?”
“A drink? Are you celebrating already?”

I pause to think what she might mean? [translation = she might mean an alcoholic beverage, but it’s only 4 in the afternoon and I would never admit to drinking alcohol to an American, because if you consume more than one 4 fluid ounce glass of weak white wine a week, you might as well tattoo AA on your forehead]
“Oh you know, just coffee.” [translation = true, it’s brewing now]
“Yeah, I would.”
“Oh yeah, you don’t want it to stain.”
No! I do not want it to stain, not at $600 dollars I most certainly do not.
“The thing is, that’s going to be quite often.”
"What's gonna be often?"
"The rinsing the retainer after a drink.......of coffee!" I hasten to add.
“How often?”

I think. How often? There is silence on the line whilst I calculate but she interrupts my train of thought. [translation = mathematically challenged person]

“Madeline! Are you still there?”
“Yes. I’m counting.”
“What, more than six cups a day?”
Is that what the average American drinks per day? Is that the right answer? That should probably be my answer. [translation = lying through my retainer.] “Well, a bit more than that really.”
“Really? How much?”
“Probably one an hour, but of course it’s not American.” [translation = weak, flavourless, colourless, decafinated, dirty water]
“What’s not American?”
“The coffee. I mean it’s espresso. Mugs of espresso to be exact.”
“I’ve never heard of anyone drinking a whole mug of espresso.”
“Really?” Why does that not surprise me.
“Is that cos you’re er, …..European?”
To lie or not to lie, that is the question?
“Wow. Well if that’s the case I’d definitely rinse it every time, that is nasty stuff!”
“Oh dear. What about the tea then?”
“Do I need to rinse it after I have a cup of tea?”
“Oh right! Um well,……yes, I think you should, just to be on the safe side. At least that’s cups rather than mugs!”
“Ah, well actually it’s pots.”
“Yes, pots of tea.”
“How many cups are in a pot?”
“It depends upon how big your tea pot is.”

That was a silly answer, I should have just been truthful. [translation = playing for time] I resolve to stop being obtuse. [translation = another campaign on my ceaseless mission for self improvement]

“How big is yours?”
Now there’s a question you don’t get asked very often!
“Six. One pot gives you six mugs of tea.”
“I thought you said cups?”
“Oh, I did.” [translation = I lied]
“O.k., well six and six, that’s gonna be o.k. right?”
“How did you get 12?”
“6 + 6!”
“Ah, I see I have mislead you. I have more than one pot of tea a day.”
“How many pots of tea d’ya have Madeline?” Do I note a certain tone?
“It depends if I’m home or not?” [translation = no portable tea service available in America currently = roll on Teabucks] I don’t mention that I am at home a lot because I am a stay at home mum, and that’s what we do best, stay home]

“Give me a ball park figure?”
Damn! [translation = dang!] A confusing sporting reference! “Er.. one an hour.”
“Geez Madeline! As well as the coffee! You must……” she remembers that she is a professional person and stops talking to collect her thoughts. “Why do you drink so much?” she enquires tentatively. [translation = politely and not pushy]

It occurs to me that I haven’t got the foggiest notion, that it’s just crept up on me. Glass of milk, then a coffee to take the taste away. Yoghourt drink, then a coffee to take the taste away. ‘Ensure,’ the most loathsome protein drink in the world, then several coffees to take the taste away. ‘Boost,’ the alternative, just for a change, second most loathsome protein drink in the world, and then a vat of tea to take the taste away. “Because I’ve been on a liquid diet for the last 7 months I suppose.”
“Not now!” she cheers.

She is of course, absolutely right. No braces and 6 months post "jaw surgery."
[translation = I will stop drinking, dehydrate and shrivel up to become a tiny, black raisin, eat instead and become a little plump one! [translation = "extra concentrated"]


hermitgrrl said...

ROFL thank you thank you so much I had the best laugh in ages! I am so glad you stopped by so I could read your blog. Whew! Hilarious! And I too have returned to petsmart hiding a bag behind me, you're not alone :) (The fish needed brackish water? What's that? ooops)

Hammer said...

That's a lot of drinking. Between the coffee pot, Tea pot and the bathroom there woudn't be time to do much rinsing ;)

farmwifetwo said...

So the braces are gone??? And you're now using a retainer??? It needs to be cleaned every time you eat/drink.... had one as a teenager.

What's the first solid food on the list???


Anonymous said...

The way I see it, you have a can rinse every time you have a drink, or simply use the drink to rinse. Think of it as multi-tasking and effective time management.

So, what IS the first food on the list?

The Anti-Wife said...

If I drank that much I would have to live in the bathroom. Congratulations on no more braces. Next step - implants!

Heidi said...

yeah, what's the meal that you have missed? What's the first solid food on the list? We expect a post?

slouching mom said...

That was hysterical. What a conversation. And I drink a hell of a lot of coffee too. Not the weak sh*t, either.

I too would love to know what your first meal will be.

riseoutofme said...

Oh thank you so much for that ...

I haven't laughed so much in a long time!

kristina said...

Celebration! I am tempted to make a pot of coffee right now in celeration----the real stuff, never decaf.

Just be careful about popcorn.

Linda said...

I see absolutely nothing wrong with drinking vast amounts of coffee and/or tea a day but I have to wonder - how on earth do you ever get to sleep at night with all that caffeine roiling around in your system?!?

Bernita said...

Ha! Another constant sipper. I don't have your excuse though.
Thank you for stopping by my blog!

Jocelyn said...

There is a nugget of an idea in all of this that I'd love to see you exploit and capitalize upon: The Caffeine Diet. Explain the strategy as you have here in some promotional materials, do an infomercial, and you'll be able to retire young.

mcewen said...

As it happens, I am looking for a future career but alas, there is a fatal flaw in your plan - youth is mine no longer.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Now I know why Kev called you Maddie... hmm.. You drink as much caffiene AS I do ..

I guess I belong to the oldladys club too so you are not alone.. I'm 51 by the way.. :)
oh yeah and us californians are mindnumbly food and drink correct.. we could benefit from a British envasion I agree :) haha!

Zoning Out Again said...

I truly LOVE your wit! I have only read this one post but I'm sure the rest are hilarious. I'm adding you to my page this instant so that I'll be reminded to pop on over here on a regular basis!
TOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! :0)

The Shepcarpclan said...

The coffee and tea consumption sounds about right to me. We have at least two pots of coffee then well its iced tea time. Thinking about it this may explain why some nights I don't go to sleep before midnight but oh well, love my coffee and tea.

Jerry Grasso said...

If I drank that much coffee or tea there is nothing I couldn't do...except sleep. I couldn't sleep.