Monday, July 23, 2007

Careers post anterior open bite

[a before photo x-ray]





7 months after jaw surgery I am suddenly free from wires and elastic bands. I can actually open my mouth. It is the strangest feeling. I decide to think about nice things. I decide not to think about "implants." I also decide not to think about the teeny tiny little screw that has decided to float away from it's original position. I determine that I will not "perseverate" about the traveling screw that holds the hardware in place that holds my jaw together. I remind myself that I am merely unlucky, that this kind of thing happens occasionally and is of no great consequence. I decide, again, not to think about the screw busily making it's way towards my brain. I remind myself that my brain is very tiny and the screw probably won't be able to find it. [translation = no GPS and I don't think my brain is magnetic, merely radio active after all the x-rays]







I open my mouth as wide as I can, just because I now can. [translation = free of braces and elastic bands] I test out the jaw to see if anything snaps. [translation = squeaks, pops or grinds – TMJ] How big is it? What could I get in there if I tried really hard? Does it open as wide as it once did? I have no recall. [translation = ever so tiny brain and shrinking] I wonder if I open it too wide, will I expedite the traveling speed of the teeny tiny screw?

It occurs to me, that an onlooker might be curious about my doings. Then I remember that the pool of potential onlookers is small. [translation = two autistic boys who are never curious about me or my doings because I am generally "invisible," that is to say, completely off their radars] I continue in goldfish mode as I fold laundry, wash dishes and mop the floor. [translation = silent chores so as not to ‘set off’ my sound sensitive son]

I try and think of large things that I could put in my mouth? [translation = now that I could, if I wanted to] What if I put something large in there and then I couldn’t get it out again? What if was too big to swallow too? I try and think of large, soft, swallowable things that I could put in my mouth. [translation = safe things that aren’t a choking hazard]
My jaw muscles are in training. Soon I will have the strongest jaw in Western civilization. I will be able to hang from a rope by my teeth. I may have a whole new career just around the corner. [translation = if everything works out and the children are grown]

I think very hard about future careers. What careers are available for a person wishing to hang by their teeth from a rope? It occurs to me that I should also work on my toes, that is to say, ensure that my toes work as well as my fingers do, such that I will have four sets of functional twiddlers at the end of each limb. It will be an incredible breakthrough. I will never need to use carbon paper in the typewriter again! I will simply type the original with my fingers and the copy, on a second typewriter with my toes. [translation = simultaneous transcription] I will be an incredible incredible!


What a shame that my budding career has been stolen by the advances in technology. [translation = pity someone invented computers] Perhaps I should visit a career counselor? [translation = or a shrink] Do they have them in "England."

15 comments:

Awesome Mom said...

You have all those screws in your head? wow!!! Stay away from magnets!

Joker The Lurcher said...

i love how you write! i'm going to read your blog in the wrong order, started now and going backwards. or maybe that isn't the wrong order at all....

MotherPie said...

Here via Whitterer... Funny earlier post. The pacifier was pretty funny...

The Anti-Wife said...

You could join the circus. They have people who hang by their teeth and twirl around way above ground - without nets! It would be cool. I'd come to see ya!

MotherPie said...

OK... duh. Now I understand that you have two blogs. cool.

I'll have to visit both. I did two for awhile until I left NYC.

Hammer said...

I've never seen anything like it.

Hope the recovery continues sucessfully.

I saw a guy on TV pull trains with his teeth. Not sure if you want that on your resume or not ;)

Jean Knee said...

oh man, I'm gonna have traveling screws in my head nightmares

Diesel said...

Ironically, my brain spends most of its time looking for a screw.

Cunning Linguist said...

"" I try and think of large things that I could put in my mouth? "" ... I'm shocked diesel didn't take this one and quote it. I'll claim it as mine and do the perfunctory giggle of an 8th grade schoolboy if that's cool with the rest of ya's. ;)

for what it's worth said...

Oh, do I remember the day of "opening". The day of success was written into the annals of history when I could open my mouth wide enough for a McDonald's cheeseburger. I had to squish it truly flat, and it required little chewing but I did it. No noises, pops, clicks or locking???
Brava!!!
And just think, everyone who ever said you seem to have a screw loose, is now completely correct. Bully for them. Me, I sport a taught set of wire sutures that will forever set off the security devices. Welcome to metal mania!

liv said...

thanks for the visit...3 blogs to keep up with?! I will be busy!

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Steve G said...

I just finished reading though the posts on the first page. Must have been an experience, but you had me laughing as I enjoyed it. Not the pain you had, but the way you told the story. Good on you.

Scribbit said...

That picture at top is really lovely. Something about the cross-section, being able to see the curve of the lips, plus the bones inside and all that implies about things like vulnerability and whatnot really seems very artsy. So metaphorical or something. But then maybe I'm just thinking deeper than I should be :)

Ina said...

Awesome!