Careers post anterior open bite

[a before photo x-ray]





7 months after jaw surgery I am suddenly free from wires and elastic bands. I can actually open my mouth. It is the strangest feeling. I decide to think about nice things. I decide not to think about "implants." I also decide not to think about the teeny tiny little screw that has decided to float away from it's original position. I determine that I will not "perseverate" about the traveling screw that holds the hardware in place that holds my jaw together. I remind myself that I am merely unlucky, that this kind of thing happens occasionally and is of no great consequence. I decide, again, not to think about the screw busily making it's way towards my brain. I remind myself that my brain is very tiny and the screw probably won't be able to find it. [translation = no GPS and I don't think my brain is magnetic, merely radio active after all the x-rays]







I open my mouth as wide as I can, just because I now can. [translation = free of braces and elastic bands] I test out the jaw to see if anything snaps. [translation = squeaks, pops or grinds – TMJ] How big is it? What could I get in there if I tried really hard? Does it open as wide as it once did? I have no recall. [translation = ever so tiny brain and shrinking] I wonder if I open it too wide, will I expedite the traveling speed of the teeny tiny screw?

It occurs to me, that an onlooker might be curious about my doings. Then I remember that the pool of potential onlookers is small. [translation = two autistic boys who are never curious about me or my doings because I am generally "invisible," that is to say, completely off their radars] I continue in goldfish mode as I fold laundry, wash dishes and mop the floor. [translation = silent chores so as not to ‘set off’ my sound sensitive son]

I try and think of large things that I could put in my mouth? [translation = now that I could, if I wanted to] What if I put something large in there and then I couldn’t get it out again? What if was too big to swallow too? I try and think of large, soft, swallowable things that I could put in my mouth. [translation = safe things that aren’t a choking hazard]
My jaw muscles are in training. Soon I will have the strongest jaw in Western civilization. I will be able to hang from a rope by my teeth. I may have a whole new career just around the corner. [translation = if everything works out and the children are grown]

I think very hard about future careers. What careers are available for a person wishing to hang by their teeth from a rope? It occurs to me that I should also work on my toes, that is to say, ensure that my toes work as well as my fingers do, such that I will have four sets of functional twiddlers at the end of each limb. It will be an incredible breakthrough. I will never need to use carbon paper in the typewriter again! I will simply type the original with my fingers and the copy, on a second typewriter with my toes. [translation = simultaneous transcription] I will be an incredible incredible!


What a shame that my budding career has been stolen by the advances in technology. [translation = pity someone invented computers] Perhaps I should visit a career counselor? [translation = or a shrink] Do they have them in "England."

Careers post anterior open bite

http://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2007/07/careers-post-anterior-open-bite.html

Open your cake hole and flash us your enamel!

[Translation = mouth and teeth, just in case you were wondering]

I’ve always had them of course, the bad teeth that is to say, well ...after the baby teeth dropped out. The difference now, is that I’m aware that they are bad. When I was in England I was vaguely aware that they weren’t the best set of snappers around, but since I was in England, I blended in perfectly with my surroundings.

When we first arrived in America, the land of gleaming, white enamel, I did become a little more self conscious about the gnashers. My first visit to an American dentist confirmed my worst fears. [translation = failed the teeth test] I was immediately advised that surgery and braces were an absolute MUST. “But how do you eat?” they would wail. [translation = a foreshadowing of the experiences I would later have with my children] Since I was alive, obviously I had managed to eat quite successfully for any number of years. [translation = approximately 34 at the time]

It took me a long time [translation = 9 years and three visits home in one particular year] to make me realize the truth of the matter.

Now that I have emerged post surgery, post braces and accepted the confinement of a retainer, I have to learn a whole new skill. The skill that I need to acquire, is the ability to smile. It’s not that I don’t smile of course, I do, frequently. [translation = at least once every five minutes, but I’m still struggling to match my American cousins and their semi permanent state of smiling] No, the difference between my smile and yours, is that I never show my teeth when I smile.

It’s more a curling of the lips at the corners, rather than what would commonly be described as a smile. [translation = no enamel shall be exposed on pain of death] If I was asked to describe my smile, I would describe it as grinning from ear to ear. If you grin from ear to ear, then you have more lip skin available to stretch from ear to ear, than you would do if you parted your lips. You can easily demonstrate this fact for yourself. [translation = I hear your doubt] If you take one large elastic band and stretch it from one ear to the other ear in a double line, you can clearly see that it doesn’t have to stretch anything like as much, as if you slip each end around your ears. [translation = don’t ping your nose by accident] It’s almost twice as much elastic. [translation = wasteful, save that planet]

So for the time being I’m trying very hard to change my 'every five minute grin,' from a gentle curve to a……a……smile, I suppose.

My son approaches me from behind as I type.
“What you are do?”
“Oh just typing dear.”
“No! What you are do wiv yur mowf?”
“Oh I see! Well, if you move your head a bit, like this, [translation = I demonstrate by modeling the desired behaviour] then you can see your reflection in the computer screen, a bit like a mirror. See?”
“No! I know bout dah mirror. I wanna know bout dah teef, dah mowf?”
“Oh. I’m practicing my smile, smiling er, yes, that’s what I’m doing, I’m practicing my smile. Look you can see my teeth. Can you see my teeth?”
“Er yes, but I am seeing dah plastic more, er morer dan dah teef. It is dah plastic, dah fake.”

I stop myself from shouting ‘RETAINER’ at him. [translation = could it be that I have inadvertently turned myself into a fake plastic "American!"]

There again, plastic teeth go quite well with other little fake bits that I've acquired over the years, such as the dyed hair. [translation = no longer it's oh so natural battleship grey] Maybe I should give him a little more "credit."

Open your cake hole and flash us your enamel!

http://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2007/07/open-your-cake-hole-and-flash-us-your.html

The difference between irony and sarcasm – a Primer

I am lead to believe that it is common practice for young girls of 16 or 18 to be given the birthday present of a boob job. This is probably an urban myth.

But in Victorian times, in England, young women of means, were given a similar gift, namely, they had all their teeth removed and were presented with a set of perfect dentures. This is not an urban myth, even ignoring the time factor. My Grandmother was given this gift. It has been my abiding fear that I too would end up with false teeth. Given this predisposition it was hard to refuse the advice of the American dental profession = you need braces or all your teeth will fall out and you will have to wear dentures. It was only after my fourth visit home to witness my own mother’s situation regarding false teeth that finally persuaded me to capitulate and avoid the certain doom of dentures.

I chat with my British pal.
“Still got the old braces on then? How long has it been now?”
“Three and a half years.”
“So the surgery went o.k. but you still can’t eat.”
“Correct.”
“All those elastic bands look a mess.”
“Very fiddly.”
“You still sound like crap.”
“Verily.” = sarcasm
“How much longer?”
“Probably another year.”
“This must be costing you an absolute fortune?”
“America has dental insurance.” = sarcasm
“So what’s next?”
“A partial at the bottom.”
“You mean false teeth?”
“Yup. Only 4 that’s why it’s called a partial.”
“Hang on a minute. Didn’t you say that the purpose of all this was to avoid ending up with false teeth like your mum?”
“Correct.” = irony
"But why?"
"Bone loss."
"Well find it!" = sarcasm
"Where?"
“How long do the false teeth hold up?”
“In a partial? About 5 to 7 years if you’re lucky.”
“What then?”
“I have absolutely no idea.”
“So they want you to go for the implants then?”
“Yup.”
“Why aren’t you going for that?”
“Approximately 15 grand.”
“Pounds, Euros or dollars?”
“Who cares?”
“No hidden extras?” = sarcasm
“Give or take 15%.” = sarcasm
“How long before you’d be able to eat properly again?”
“After implants? Probably 6 months.”
“But that will be that, you’ll be done?”
“There are no guarantees.”
“A really bright future then.” = sarcasm “What are you going to do?”
“?”

The difference between irony and sarcasm – a Primer

http://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2007/06/difference-between-irony-and-sarcasm.html