Sunday, September 16, 2007

Just like clockwork




I come in from the garden after lunch to start the washing up. For some unknown reason it is immediately apparent that no less than three ticking timers have all been set to 38 minutes. Four other non- ticking timers have also been set for the same period. They are scattered over every counter surface and even the window sill. I am tempted to seek out the culprit[s] but the kitchen cries out for attention. I sink my hands in the suds and wonder what on earth might be happening in 36 minutes time?

I rinse the glasses first and stack them on the far side, well out of reach and therefore well out of danger. It’s a pity that the ticking sounds of each device can’t be aligned. Each one ticks to it’s own unique rhythm, different from it’s colleagues. This is what it must be like to work in a clock shop.

I consider contacting the authorities to advise them that I have accidentally discovered a far more effective method of punishment than Water Torture. A small person appears in the kitchen and looks around in wonderment. “How many minutes?”
“Um 28 apparently.” He spins off leaving me elbow deep in bubbles but none the wiser. I try to think ahead to snack and then supper. What to prepare, but my brain waves are suffering interference?

My husband emerges, drowsy from his siesta. I am still dubious about this latest campaign, the one that correlates afternoon naps with longevity.
“How are you doing?” he asks amiably, as I scrub the pans with steel wool.
“Fine. I’m just wondering about all the timers?”
“Timers?”
I look at him in his state of befuddlement. Perhaps his nerve endings aren’t awake enough to detect the din?
“Yes, the timers. Look! I think every one of them has been used.”
“No. I didn’t use the flat one.”
“You?”
“The flat one.”
“Er, why didn’t you use the flat one?”
“I’m not sure how it works, too fiddly. I thought I’d get by with the other ones.”
“Really!”
“Hmm.”
I wait. I wait for an explanation. When it is clear that no explanation shall be forthcoming, I prompt.
“So what is about to happen in 3 minutes then? The end of the world or just life as we know it?”
“Er what?”
“What did you set the timers for dear?”
“Oh, just to remind me to turn the water off. Don’t want a flood afterall.”
“Wouldn’t one have done just as well?”
“One what?”
“One timer!”
“Well you can’t be too careful. I might not have heard just one.”
“I think you would have heard it if you had had it nearer to you, rather than in here with me.”
“Ah well that was the really clever bit.”
“Which bit of that nightmare was the really clever bit?”
“Well I knew that if I was napping I might not hear it, so I put them in the kitchen.”
“Where I am.”
“Exactly. I knew you’d be here.”
“I am always here.”
“Exactly.”
“What do you think might happen to me, in the kitchen when 7 timers go off simultaneously?”
“Well, you’d hear them and know that it would be time to turn the water off.”
“You missed a bit.”
“Which bit did I miss?”
“I didn’t know that the water was on in the first place.”
“You didn’t?”
“No. How would I know that the water was on?”
“Can’t you hear it, the water I mean?”
“How could I hear a trickle of water above the din of all these timers do you suppose?”
“Ah. I see. Well, when the timers go off, then it would be quiet again and then you’d hear the trickle of water and know that it was time to turn them off.”
“No I wouldn’t.”
“You wouldn’t?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I’d either have suffered a heart attack and be dead as a dodo, or I’d be deaf as a post, take your pick?”

19 comments:

Awesome Mom said...

That is absolutely hilarious!

dawn224 said...

OMG, I just laughed so loud I woke the husband up! I freaking love this!

for what it's worth said...

I would have peed my pants if they had gone off beside me. But then, the ticking of a single clock can send me around the bend....God Bless the inventors of the digital clock.

Joker The Lurcher said...

fantastic! reminds me of the catherine tate character who jumps out of her skin at everything (which i do so it has become part of our family humour to shreiek when anything makes me jump)

hope this link works...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oER9xKbD2T8

riseoutofme said...

Funny, funny post! I often think if the males of the species had brains, they'd be very dangerous ..

Have missed coming to your blog for last few weeks ... must play catch up!

mumkeepingsane said...

I think we might be married to the same man.

gettingthere said...

Hilarious. Funny the way hubby expected you to fill in the blanks.

Casdok said...

Brillient!!!
Very funny!

MotherPie said...

I'd be interested to see a blogroll here of your friends you make with international experiences. It would be culturally interesting.

The high school principal at my children's international school was a Brit. She flunked the written part of her driver's test because of the curbs question which are called sidewalks there (or something like that). She also had a terrific story of the response of all of the supermarket staff when she kept asking where the spirits were.

I still laugh about your story of the matches in the bathroom. The loo, should I say.

Jeni said...

Don't you just love the way the male mind works though? I loved this post. Really, really funny! And I probably would have had the same responses too as you did to his explanations about the timers.

The Anti-Wife said...

Another perfect example of convoluted male logic. Very funny post!

Moonmaid said...

THIS absolutely made my day!
Thank you, saviour of bad days at work. You totally rock!

Hammer said...

Funny!

I need one of those, I'm getting forgetful in my old age :)

ZudaGay said...

This is so funny I didn't think about scratching my itchy face the whole time it took me to read it. I'm sitting here thinking that your hubby has a lot of confidence in your ability to read his mind.

Oh yeah, I came here from your other blog where I was going to tell you thank you for leaving a comment on my blog after you had come there from Slurping Life....can you tell it is time for me to go to bed???

my4kids said...

Oh my the hubby here would be in hot water for a stunt like that, that or I would have turned them all off out of desperation before going absolutly insane!

Snog Dot said...

I'd use them, but then I'd probably forget why I set them in the first place!

meno said...

I am wondering why you have so many timers.

Jerry Grasso said...

This is the best description of marriage I have read in the past six months.

Oh, The Joys said...

Your hubs is a nutter, I see!