Tuesday, September 9, 2008

My Lord and some Masterly

I decide to nip it in the bud, first thing in the morning at the weekend.

Whilst, I certainly wouldn’t wish to disparage the entire male population, sometimes it pays to be forthright.

I plan my attack, or rather, my approach in the early morning as I field copious children and miscellaneous adults. After two sittings of breakfast and subsequent clear up, I hear his footfalls from on high.

He appears in the kitchen, shortly thereafter with a 2:47 shadow and a dazed expression. We greet as is customary between partners. After the mushy stuff I let rip.
“See this?”
He blinks to focus.
“Excedrin Migraine. ………. Are you ill?”
“No. Are you? Do you have a headache? Are you about to get a headache? Your usual weekend headache, that never surfaces during the working week?”
“Um…….”
“Is there any possibility that you are about to claim incompetence due to an imminent headache?”
“Er…..”
“Coz I can tell you right now that you might as well take a couple straight away as I’m not having another weekend ruined by you dripping about like the walking wounded.”
“Why are you………talking so fast?”
“Because I have already been awake for three and a half hours.”
“Ah…..I see the coffee………is empty.”
“Broken. Never mind about that now. So. Where was I? Ah yes. What’s on your agenda for the weekend?”
“Um…….”
“Shall I tell you what’s not on your agenda for the weekend?”
“If……… you must……..”
“You are not going to play in the garage with your widgets for three hours solid.”
“They’re…….not actually……widgets……they’re…..”
“Nor are you going to fllutter leaves in the garden for an additional five hours.”
“I don’t actually flutter……..”
“Nor are you going to fiddle about in the attic until hell freezes over.”
“I don’t actually fiddle…….you see I…….”
“And if you so much as touch a computer key I swear I’ll impale your finger tips with a knitting needle.”
“Well…….”
“Do we understand each other?”
“I……”
“Everybody on the planet is enjoying exclusive family time at the weekends except us.”
“Well I think…..”
“It’s just not good enough. We need to do better.”
“Right………so you don’t want me to take the coffee maker into the garage and fix it and I’ll leave the washing machine for another day shall I?”
“Ah…….well I suppose it would be o.k. to fix those two, but only those two.”
“Right. So as it’s over 100 degree today I assume you won’t be wanting to use the pool at all?”
“How do you mean?”
“Well unless I clear all the leaves off and unclog the haulage mechanism you won’t be able to open it.”
“Ah……well I can see why that might be a priority……another priority.”
“So I can leave all the summer luggage and baggage for another day?”
“Er……..?”
“All the suitcases in the hall that you wanted me to put up in the attic, left over from our trip to England……..because I can’t put them away until I’ve cleared some space up there.”
“Hmmm……maybe……perhaps?”
“I’ll start in the garage……….after I’ve had a shower……if that suits you madam? I’ll take the Excedrin with me.”
!

15 comments:

Hammer said...

Well you sure told him! ;D

leechbabe said...

lol.

Sounds like a conversation in our house.

Trixie said...

Dont you hate it when they are right? lol!

My Autism Insights said...

Don't you love when they manage to turn things around like that?

dgibbs said...

Wonder if he really planned on doing all of that before you laid into him. Probably, lol. Oh well at least you had your say ;)

Awesome Mom said...

Bwahaha! It looks like you have met your match.

The Anti-Wife said...

Proving once again that there are 2 sides to every story!

farmwifetwo said...

Don't complain. 1 - he's home on weekends, 2 - he fixes things.

I'm lucky if he's home, and if he is he naps or watches tv. Truth is, we'd rather he showed up for meals and after supper... we're not use to him underfoot and he's more demanding for tv time, it seems than the boys.

S - who has started having things repaired... by someone else.

Almost American said...

Oy, did I give you permission to write about my life?! ;-)

Heffalump said...

Undone by your own honey do list!

Osh said...

good thing he's handsome

riseoutofme said...

Oh he's a clever one! Cut them off at the pass Tonto! We have a touch of Saturdayitis and even Sundayitis by times as well ... Emotional blackmail is good ....

Jayne said...

LOL
Hmmm almost sounds like my house ;)

Linda said...

This almost makes me miss having a husband around the house - almost!

Whitenoise said...

As the usual target of similar female directives, I enjoyed this turn-about immensely...