My Lord and some Masterly

I decide to nip it in the bud, first thing in the morning at the weekend.

Whilst, I certainly wouldn’t wish to disparage the entire male population, sometimes it pays to be forthright.

I plan my attack, or rather, my approach in the early morning as I field copious children and miscellaneous adults. After two sittings of breakfast and subsequent clear up, I hear his footfalls from on high.

He appears in the kitchen, shortly thereafter with a 2:47 shadow and a dazed expression. We greet as is customary between partners. After the mushy stuff I let rip.
“See this?”
He blinks to focus.
“Excedrin Migraine. ………. Are you ill?”
“No. Are you? Do you have a headache? Are you about to get a headache? Your usual weekend headache, that never surfaces during the working week?”
“Um…….”
“Is there any possibility that you are about to claim incompetence due to an imminent headache?”
“Er…..”
“Coz I can tell you right now that you might as well take a couple straight away as I’m not having another weekend ruined by you dripping about like the walking wounded.”
“Why are you………talking so fast?”
“Because I have already been awake for three and a half hours.”
“Ah…..I see the coffee………is empty.”
“Broken. Never mind about that now. So. Where was I? Ah yes. What’s on your agenda for the weekend?”
“Um…….”
“Shall I tell you what’s not on your agenda for the weekend?”
“If……… you must……..”
“You are not going to play in the garage with your widgets for three hours solid.”
“They’re…….not actually……widgets……they’re…..”
“Nor are you going to fllutter leaves in the garden for an additional five hours.”
“I don’t actually flutter……..”
“Nor are you going to fiddle about in the attic until hell freezes over.”
“I don’t actually fiddle…….you see I…….”
“And if you so much as touch a computer key I swear I’ll impale your finger tips with a knitting needle.”
“Well…….”
“Do we understand each other?”
“I……”
“Everybody on the planet is enjoying exclusive family time at the weekends except us.”
“Well I think…..”
“It’s just not good enough. We need to do better.”
“Right………so you don’t want me to take the coffee maker into the garage and fix it and I’ll leave the washing machine for another day shall I?”
“Ah…….well I suppose it would be o.k. to fix those two, but only those two.”
“Right. So as it’s over 100 degree today I assume you won’t be wanting to use the pool at all?”
“How do you mean?”
“Well unless I clear all the leaves off and unclog the haulage mechanism you won’t be able to open it.”
“Ah……well I can see why that might be a priority……another priority.”
“So I can leave all the summer luggage and baggage for another day?”
“Er……..?”
“All the suitcases in the hall that you wanted me to put up in the attic, left over from our trip to England……..because I can’t put them away until I’ve cleared some space up there.”
“Hmmm……maybe……perhaps?”
“I’ll start in the garage……….after I’ve had a shower……if that suits you madam? I’ll take the Excedrin with me.”
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My Lord and some Masterly

http://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2008/09/my-lord-and-some-masterly.html