Monday, June 29, 2009

Ware were you when I needed you?

I talk to my pal on the phone as I am in need of a therapeutic moan.

“It’s just impossible. Rarer than hens teeth. I knew I should have bought them in England. Even after all these years, this country is completely infuriating. The most basic items are totally unavailable. How do people cope?”
“So……..what exactly is it that you’re lookin for now?”
“Sheets. Proper flat floral twin sheets. See! I even know to use the word ‘flat’ and the word ‘twin’ even though it’s really a single because I’m so completely acclimated now.”
“I recognize that catch in your voice, so you won’t get the sarcasm past me this time.”
“Stop sulkin why dontcha. We’ll figure this out. I’m sure just about all the high street stores will have them.”
“No. I don’t want to physically go anywhere. I need to do it on line.”
“Of course, wouldn’t like you to have to rub shoulders with the natives would you?”
“Don’t tease. I’m I a foul mood.”
“Like I didn’t notice? So. What’s the main issue?”
“When you look up floral sheeting the results show loads of sites for some weird stuff to decorate floats!”
“Hmm that makes sense.”
“It does?”
“Yeah. So what happens when you search on floral flat twin sheet?”
“You get ‘sets’ of bedding. I don’t want a set. I just want one single sheet, or maybe two.”
“Single or twin?”
“Two twins. Is that what I mean? Yes, I think it is. It’s all so confusing. I’m toying with Paisley. Do you have Paisley out here or do I have to translate that too?”
“Of course we have Paisley.”
“Anyway. I think I’ll just have to find a source of sheeting and make them up myself but it would be so much easier if I could just by ready made sheets instead.”
“So who’s into Paisley and florals?”
“No-one in particular. I may just have to admit defeat and get plain.”
“But I can’t find anything wide enough. Everything seems to be 90 or 115?”
“Oh……36 or 45. No use to man nor beast.”
“So how big is the bed?”
“Yeah. How big is the…..mattress that want the sheets for?”
“I don’t want it for a bed.”
“But I thought…….what do you want the sheet for?”
“For the table. Now we’re 8 in the family we’ve had to drag out the big table top and I don’t have any table cloths big enough to cover it, so I thought I’d use sheets instead.”
“How big is the table?”
“In metric?”
“No imperial.”
“Er…..that would be about……84 inches or 2 yards and one foot by 5 foot or 60 inches…..ish.”
“Did you just snort? Did you snort on the phone?”
“Er…..I may have done….so how come yur not lookin in table where?”
“Table where?”
“Ware! Table WARE!”
“Because my table is too big for tableware table cloths.”
“Dya know, it just kills me to tell you this but 84 by 60 is pretty much standard for an American table.”
“What can I say……everything in America is bigger and……”

Tip of the day

Best way to avoid sun burn = garden in the moonlight and take advantage of your jet lag.

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