Careers post anterior open bite

[a before photo x-ray]





7 months after jaw surgery I am suddenly free from wires and elastic bands. I can actually open my mouth. It is the strangest feeling. I decide to think about nice things. I decide not to think about "implants." I also decide not to think about the teeny tiny little screw that has decided to float away from it's original position. I determine that I will not "perseverate" about the traveling screw that holds the hardware in place that holds my jaw together. I remind myself that I am merely unlucky, that this kind of thing happens occasionally and is of no great consequence. I decide, again, not to think about the screw busily making it's way towards my brain. I remind myself that my brain is very tiny and the screw probably won't be able to find it. [translation = no GPS and I don't think my brain is magnetic, merely radio active after all the x-rays]







I open my mouth as wide as I can, just because I now can. [translation = free of braces and elastic bands] I test out the jaw to see if anything snaps. [translation = squeaks, pops or grinds – TMJ] How big is it? What could I get in there if I tried really hard? Does it open as wide as it once did? I have no recall. [translation = ever so tiny brain and shrinking] I wonder if I open it too wide, will I expedite the traveling speed of the teeny tiny screw?

It occurs to me, that an onlooker might be curious about my doings. Then I remember that the pool of potential onlookers is small. [translation = two autistic boys who are never curious about me or my doings because I am generally "invisible," that is to say, completely off their radars] I continue in goldfish mode as I fold laundry, wash dishes and mop the floor. [translation = silent chores so as not to ‘set off’ my sound sensitive son]

I try and think of large things that I could put in my mouth? [translation = now that I could, if I wanted to] What if I put something large in there and then I couldn’t get it out again? What if was too big to swallow too? I try and think of large, soft, swallowable things that I could put in my mouth. [translation = safe things that aren’t a choking hazard]
My jaw muscles are in training. Soon I will have the strongest jaw in Western civilization. I will be able to hang from a rope by my teeth. I may have a whole new career just around the corner. [translation = if everything works out and the children are grown]

I think very hard about future careers. What careers are available for a person wishing to hang by their teeth from a rope? It occurs to me that I should also work on my toes, that is to say, ensure that my toes work as well as my fingers do, such that I will have four sets of functional twiddlers at the end of each limb. It will be an incredible breakthrough. I will never need to use carbon paper in the typewriter again! I will simply type the original with my fingers and the copy, on a second typewriter with my toes. [translation = simultaneous transcription] I will be an incredible incredible!


What a shame that my budding career has been stolen by the advances in technology. [translation = pity someone invented computers] Perhaps I should visit a career counselor? [translation = or a shrink] Do they have them in "England."

Careers post anterior open bite

https://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2007/07/careers-post-anterior-open-bite.html

Brace yourself! Retained and restrained

I return from the braces chappy and immediately pick up the telephone to ask them a quick question. I speak to one of the technicians. [translation = people who tweak your braces]
“Yes, Madeline, what’s the problem?”
“Just a quickie. I was wondering, do I have to rinse the retainer after I have a drink?”
“A drink? Are you celebrating already?”

I pause to think what she might mean? [translation = she might mean an alcoholic beverage, but it’s only 4 in the afternoon and I would never admit to drinking alcohol to an American, because if you consume more than one 4 fluid ounce glass of weak white wine a week, you might as well tattoo AA on your forehead]
“Oh you know, just coffee.” [translation = true, it’s brewing now]
“Yeah, I would.”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah, you don’t want it to stain.”
No! I do not want it to stain, not at $600 dollars I most certainly do not.
“The thing is, that’s going to be quite often.”
"What's gonna be often?"
"The rinsing the retainer after a drink.......of coffee!" I hasten to add.
“How often?”

I think. How often? There is silence on the line whilst I calculate but she interrupts my train of thought. [translation = mathematically challenged person]

“Madeline! Are you still there?”
“Yes. I’m counting.”
“What, more than six cups a day?”
Is that what the average American drinks per day? Is that the right answer? That should probably be my answer. [translation = lying through my retainer.] “Well, a bit more than that really.”
“Really? How much?”
“Probably one an hour, but of course it’s not American.” [translation = weak, flavourless, colourless, decafinated, dirty water]
“What’s not American?”
“The coffee. I mean it’s espresso. Mugs of espresso to be exact.”
“I’ve never heard of anyone drinking a whole mug of espresso.”
“Really?” Why does that not surprise me.
“Is that cos you’re er, …..European?”
To lie or not to lie, that is the question?
“Probably.”
“Wow. Well if that’s the case I’d definitely rinse it every time, that is nasty stuff!”
“Oh dear. What about the tea then?”
“Tea?”
“Do I need to rinse it after I have a cup of tea?”
“Oh right! Um well,……yes, I think you should, just to be on the safe side. At least that’s cups rather than mugs!”
“Ah, well actually it’s pots.”
“Pots?”
“Yes, pots of tea.”
“How many cups are in a pot?”
“It depends upon how big your tea pot is.”

That was a silly answer, I should have just been truthful. [translation = playing for time] I resolve to stop being obtuse. [translation = another campaign on my ceaseless mission for self improvement]

“How big is yours?”
Now there’s a question you don’t get asked very often!
“Six. One pot gives you six mugs of tea.”
“I thought you said cups?”
“Oh, I did.” [translation = I lied]
“O.k., well six and six, that’s gonna be o.k. right?”
“How did you get 12?”
“6 + 6!”
“Ah, I see I have mislead you. I have more than one pot of tea a day.”
“How many pots of tea d’ya have Madeline?” Do I note a certain tone?
“It depends if I’m home or not?” [translation = no portable tea service available in America currently = roll on Teabucks] I don’t mention that I am at home a lot because I am a stay at home mum, and that’s what we do best, stay home]

“Give me a ball park figure?”
Damn! [translation = dang!] A confusing sporting reference! “Er.. one an hour.”
“Geez Madeline! As well as the coffee! You must……” she remembers that she is a professional person and stops talking to collect her thoughts. “Why do you drink so much?” she enquires tentatively. [translation = politely and not pushy]

It occurs to me that I haven’t got the foggiest notion, that it’s just crept up on me. Glass of milk, then a coffee to take the taste away. Yoghourt drink, then a coffee to take the taste away. ‘Ensure,’ the most loathsome protein drink in the world, then several coffees to take the taste away. ‘Boost,’ the alternative, just for a change, second most loathsome protein drink in the world, and then a vat of tea to take the taste away. “Because I’ve been on a liquid diet for the last 7 months I suppose.”
“Not now!” she cheers.

She is of course, absolutely right. No braces and 6 months post "jaw surgery."
[translation = I will stop drinking, dehydrate and shrivel up to become a tiny, black raisin, eat instead and become a little plump one! [translation = "extra concentrated"]

Brace yourself! Retained and restrained

https://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2007/07/brace-yourself-retained-and-restrained.html

Adult talk – no ear wigging

We are effectively alone, standing in the kitchen whilst three children watch Animal Planet. We chat as he test drives the new super doper healthy snack bar that I purchased for him at vast expense now that he has high cholesterol, diabetes and weight issue.
“Do you know, I could have sworn that you mouth was open when I came home last night.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“No seriously. Don’t go all hoity toity on me. [translation – miffed and posh] I would have been about half past two and your lips were parted. I tapped you on the chin to see if you’d broken.”
“Oh that must be why I woke up then! Accosted in the middle of the night.”
“Well…. So can you open?”
“I’ve been wondering that myself. Do you know, I think it’s a bit like knicker elastic. It gets all over stretched and extended, and then the elastic sort of gives up the ghost. That’s why I put fresh ones on in the morning.”
“What a curious anology! Let me think about that a moment.”
“Stop thinking right now, those kinds of thoughts will only increase your blood pressure.”
“O.k. So what’s new. We haven’t had a chance to chat for………a while.”
“Well, I learned something new today.”
“Never. Do we have anything else to learn, apart from that knicker elastic thing?......Tell me.”
“Do you know why dogs hang their tongues out of their mouths?”
“To pant and……..stuff.”
“In part, but more importantly, their tongues hang out because they’re too big to fit in their mouths.”
“Really! You saw that on Animal Planet?”
“No, I know from personal experience.”
“What?”
“Now my tongue is all smooshed up in this tiny cavity I’ve decided it’s just to big to fit.”
“You’ll have to go on a diet to slim down your tongue.” He snickers. “So how do you make a tongue smaller?”
“I have no idea and I’m too scared to look it up on line.”
“Scared?”
“Yes, remember when I had to look up ‘buck teeth’ and ‘tongue thrusting reflex!’”
“Hmm. Oh yes, I do seem to recall something. Very colourful….. pictures.”
“Exactly. Then all the spam that followed! Never again. Ignorance is definitely bliss.”
“Oh I don’t know, …..I could do some research at work for you if you like?”
“Eat your healthy bar. Be healthy!”
“It looks like bird seed stuck together with Elmos glue! [translation = American white glue, for school purposes to avoid inhalation and solvent abuse.”
“It’s good for you. It will help stop you snacking from the vending machine.”
“The plan is to break a tooth then?”
“Don’t be such a chump. It’s full of vitamins and minerals.”
“Would certainly turbo charge the avian world.”
“Just give them a try. It’ll fill you up, give your tummy a feeling of satisfaction.”
“You’ve been listening to too many advertisements. Tummy ache more like. It looks completely indigestible.”
“Do you know what?”
“What?”
“Well, sorry to change the subject, but I’m a bit worried.”
“Worried about what?”
“Do you know, I think my tongue is moulting.”
“Moulting? But you don’t have a hairy tongue. Do you?”
“No, I’m still on strictly liquid diet, but my mouth seems to be full of little bitty things.”
“That’s not possible surely?”
“Indeed.”
“Dandruff?”
“You’re not being very helpful.”
“Perhaps you’re shedding your skin like a lizard!”
“That would be a snake you’re thinking of. Stop thinking about snakes! This is getting us nowhere fast.”
“Can I pry your jaws open and take a peek.” Why does that sound vaguely suggestive?

“I can open it a bit, just not for very long before the elastics snap it back again.”
“Team work.”
“Team work.”
“Remember if I loose the tops of my fingers I’ll be unemployed.”
“Point taken.”
We attempt a two step in the kitchen under murky lights. Out of the corner of my bifocalled eye, I spot three little faces, peering.
“Lummy!” He jumps away and so do I, as the mantrap snaps shut. “I’ve never heard of exfoliating a tongue! No wonder!”
“Mummy she is having dah diamonds!”
“MUM! You are dah criss cross!”
“Mom! Your tongue is like a lattice gate!”
“What? What? What are they all on about?” I plead with the only other adult in the room.
“Go take a peek in the mirror.”

Oh yes. I’d forgotten what those were for. I snap on the light and bring my nose close to the glass. They’re right! An over ripe peach bursting out of a net.

Soon I will have the skinniest tongue in christendom. [translation = hereabouts]

Adult talk – no ear wigging

https://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2007/04/adult-talk-no-ear-wigging.html

Adult talk – no ear wigging

Nearly 3 months after jaw surgery, my teeth are still strung together with elastic bands.

We are effectively alone, standing in the kitchen whilst three children watch Animal Planet. We chat as he test drives the new super doper healthy snack bar that I purchased for him at vast expense now that he has high cholesterol, diabetes and weight issue.
“Do you know, I could have sworn that you mouth was open when I came home last night.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“No seriously. Don’t go all hoity toity on me. [translation – miffed and posh] I would have been about half past two and your lips were parted. I tapped you on the chin to see if you’d broken.”
“Oh that must be why I woke up then! Accosted in the middle of the night.”
“Well…. So can you open?”
“I’ve been wondering that myself. Do you know, I think it’s a bit like knicker elastic. It gets all over stretched and extended, and then the elastic sort of gives up the ghost. That’s why I put fresh ones on in the morning.”
“What a curious anology! Let me think about that a moment.”
“Stop thinking right now, those kinds of thoughts will only increase your blood pressure.”
“O.k. So what’s new. We haven’t had a chance to chat for………a while.”
“Well, I learned something new today.”
“Never. Do we have anything else to learn, apart from that knicker elastic thing?......Tell me.”
“Do you know why dogs hang their tongues out of their mouths?”
“To pant and……..stuff.”
“In part, but more importantly, their tongues hang out because they’re too big to fit in their mouths.”
“Really! You saw that on Animal Planet?”
“No, I know from personal experience.”
“What?”
“Now my tongue is all smooshed up in this tiny cavity I’ve decided it’s just to big to fit.”
“You’ll have to go on a diet to slim down your tongue.” He snickers. “So how do you make a tongue smaller?”
“I have no idea and I’m too scared to look it up on line.”
“Scared?”
“Yes, remember when I had to look up ‘buck teeth’ and ‘tongue thrusting reflex!’”
“Hmm. Oh yes, I do seem to recall something. Very colourful….. pictures.”
“Exactly. Then all the spam that followed! Never again. Ignorance is definitely bliss.”
“Oh I don’t know, …..I could do some research at work for you if you like?”
“Eat your healthy bar. Be healthy!”
“It looks like bird seed stuck together with Elmos glue! [translation = American white glue, for school purposes to avoid inhalation and solvent abuse.”
“It’s good for you. It will help stop you snacking from the vending machine.”
“The plan is to break a tooth then?”
“Don’t be such a chump. It’s full of vitamins and minerals.”
“Would certainly turbo charge the avian world.”
“Just give them a try. It’ll fill you up, give your tummy a feeling of satisfaction.”
“You’ve been listening to too many advertisements. Tummy ache more like. It looks completely indigestible.”
“Do you know what?”
“What?”
“Well, sorry to change the subject, but I’m a bit worried.”
“Worried about what?”
“Do you know, I think my tongue is moulting.”
“Moulting? But you don’t have a hairy tongue. Do you?”
“No, I’m still on strictly liquid diet, but my mouth seems to be full of little bitty things.”
“That’s not possible surely?”
“Indeed.”
“Dandruff?”
“You’re not being very helpful.”
“Perhaps you’re shedding your skin like a lizard!”
“That would be a snake you’re thinking of. Stop thinking about snakes! This is getting us nowhere fast.”

“Can I pry your jaws open and take a peek.” Why does that sound vaguely suggestive?

“I can open it a bit, just not for very long before the elastics snap it back again.”
“Team work.”
“Team work.”
“Remember if I loose the tops of my fingers I’ll be unemployed.”
“Point taken.”
We attempt a two step in the kitchen under murky lights. Out of the corner of my bifocalled eye, I spot three little faces, peering.
“Lummy!” He jumps away and so do I, as the mantrap snaps shut. “I’ve never heard of exfoliating a tongue! No wonder!”
“Mummy she is having dah diamonds!”
“MUM! You are dah criss cross!”
“Mom! Your tongue is like a lattice gate!”
“What? What? What are they all on about?” I plead with the only other adult in the room.

“Go take a peek in the mirror.”

Oh yes. I’d forgotten what those were for. I snap on the light and bring my nose close to the glass. They’re right! An over ripe peach bursting out of a net.

Adult talk – no ear wigging

https://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2007/04/adult-talk-no-ear-wigging_17.html

Jaw Surgery – a few handy hints that nobody ever mentions

1. Firstly, however long they tell you, will be your recovery period, double it and add one.
2. If you need to talk as part of your work, forget it. If you are a stay at home parent and have children who need you to be able to talk [especially those with speech delays or other disabilities] triple your recovery time.
3. Buy a catering sized carton of toilet rolls, as they’re cheaper than tissues which will help your brain cope with the spiraling costs of the tiny unexpecteds.
4. Buy a turkey baster, one of those pippet things. You will use this instead of a spoon. It is less messy. If the food doesn’t fit in the baster you will not be eating it, believe me. Also handy for medications.
5. Buy your medications in liquid form and the most concentrated version available, otherwise you will find yourself downing three bottles of children’s ibuprofen daily.
6. If you are the type that takes vitamin pills, then buy the liquid version. If you are not the type to take vitamin pills then buy the liquid version as you’ll need every micron of energy you can get.
7. The only thing, if anything, that you need in your overnight bag for the hospital is an ipod or an mp3 player. You will not be watching television or listening to the radio. You will be incapable of reading, and holding a book will be impossible even if your brain functions at all.
8. Blow your nose daily prior to surgery, that way you will remember just how blissful the sensation is when you are unable to do it for the next month.
9. Put everything you are likely to need to use for a month at waist height, as bending down, lowering your head, will cause your nose to bleed – and remember you can’t blow it, your nose, that is to say.
10. Buy a low percentage hydrogen peroxide and Q-tips to enable you to clear the clag out of your nostrils without scrubbing, blowing a blood vessel or fainting.
11. Buy a wipe [white] board and lots of dry erase pens to aid communication. Ensure that you are fully supplied with every conceivable kind of soup, juice and beverages that you like, as you won’t be able to go to the store. Buy other less preferred flavours. Variety becomes important. Ten days of chocolate milk shakes 6 times a day, will weary even the most unadventurous pallet.
12. Go out into the garden and practice spitting, regardless of your political affiliations. Note well the position of your lips and other accoutrements such as muscles, as this is a ‘skill’ that you are about to lose.
13. If possible wear a toilet roll on each wrist.

14. If you have less than one bathroom or sink in your home, it may be worth investing in a dish pan. [translation = washing up bowl] Thus when your mouth fills up with slime, you need to spit but are incapable, you can then hang your head over the bowl. This may take some time as you only have gravity to assist you. The exercise if further complicated by the head angle [see 9 above] This is where dual toilet roll handiness is a must, such that you may manage simultaneously leaking orifices.


15. Lastly, if this is a medical necessity for you, then go right ahead. If on the other hand there are alternatives available to you, you may wish to give them serious consideration as this is not a procedure for the faint hearted. Don't worry about it unduly, and try to avoid "perseveration."

Jaw Surgery – a few handy hints that nobody ever mentions

https://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2007/04/jaw-surgery-few-handy-hints-that-nobody.html

Is Jaw surgery painful?

I remember googling that question some months back when I realized that surgery day might become a reality. The results were inconclusive. As such, I believe it is my bounden duty to go on the record, should anyone be unfortunate to have a similar enquiry in the future. I can tell you truly, that I would rather give birth without medication, than have surgery again. Scratch that! I would rather give birth to all four of my children consecutively than have "surgery" again. There are not enough pain killers in the world to sort you out after jaw surgery, whereas by comparison, walking like John Wayne for a few weeks is as of nought. Having experienced ‘natural childbirth’ by accident, for four children over a period of two decades, I believe that I may speak to the subject with some degree of authority. There again, I admit that my ‘authority’ is undermined by the shear carelessness of experiencing natural childbirth by accident.

"Meanwhile." Post surgery.

The surgeon beams at me, “Congratulations Mrs. Mac, you’re achieved 3 months progress in 4 dayss. You have a perfect bite!” I attempt a tight laced grin in return.
“Good o. So I can go mad with the scissors now and snip off all the elastic!”
“Not til Monday I’m afraid.”
“Monday! I have to wait until Monday!”
“Fraid so.”
“But I’ll be a skeleton by Monday!”
I was told by those who know about such things, that the average person loses 30 to 40 pounds, an average of 3 stones, in weight following jaw surgery. My chum, an American and former nurse, also advised me that weight loss was not an option for me, not unless I wished to be hospitalized and or dead, whichever came sooner. With this in mind I have dutifully consumed protein drinks and soup of every variety for two and a half months. I am nothing if not conscientious.

I depart, a tad crestfallen with fond thoughts of my tuna salad. As my top jaw decided to meet it’s pal beneath, I was fairly confident that solid food would soon be within my grasp, or bite, as it were. Will a tuna salad still be edible in 56 hours? The capers and anchovies should be fine, but I’m doubtful about the hard boiled egg, dill and leafy greens. It will degenerate into a tub of putrid slime, pig swill. I debate what I can put into the blender [translation = liquidizer] that will be both edible and tasty, free of fibres and devoid of teeth staining properties? It seems vaguely reprehensible to fantasize about such a trivial matter as food.

However, the issue of food cannot be avoided, for in my role as chef and caterer extraordinaire, I have option but to prepare something for everyone to eat for supper. I try not to think of the aftermath of preparation, the rejection or possibly projectile part, shortly followed by the garbage disposal part.

I contemplate the prospect of a trip to PetCo during the weekend, to buy new cat collars and sympathize with the hamsters on their wheels.

Hopefully, one day quite soon, I’ll be able to nick the hamsters peanuts. Maybe, a wee while after that, I may actually be able to nibble them, the nuts, not the hamster. By their food choices shall ye know them.

Is Jaw surgery painful?

https://alien-in-a-foreign-field.blogspot.com/2007/03/is-jaw-surgery-painful.html